Communication is key in relationships.

2020 -  the start of a new year and a new decade.  Many clients in my office this year are expressing a feeling of disconnection from the important people in their lives.

This is not a new thing to happen in our relationships.  Over time, the excitement of the first date, going out, and getting to know one another, fades.  Partners can start to take each other for granted. Life gets busy and before you realise it, you begin to feel that life is boring and routine and rather mundane. This is when this feeling of disconnect and of not feeling loved by your partner can creep in. Why has this happened, what’s wrong with us, and what can be done?

Well, the Beatles would say:  “All You Need Is Love

 All You Need Is Love

  All You Need Is Love, Love

  Love Is All You Need”

But is this enough?  The research shows that it is definitely not enough. The feeling of love is potentially the starting point of a relationship and it can be the foundation that creates an enduring relationship. But, what else is needed?  

Communication!  Specifically, the kind of communication needed when conflict arises. Conflict is normal and natural in healthy relationships, but sadly many of us don’t know how to do conflict in a healthy way. The trick is learning the skill to communicate effectively and finding a resolution.  This is achieved by looking for a win-win result where both partners are willing to compromise. It is engaging with the other in a flexible way so as to be able to listen to each others perspectives and acknowledge these. To do this, it is a good idea to think about how you communicate in the heat of the moment.

Destructive patterns of communication are described by Dr. John Gottman, as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”.  This is a metaphor from the new testament referring to the end of times. Using these kinds of communications styles is extremely toxic, and according to the research done by Dr. Gottman, can predict the end of a relationship.

1. Stonewalling:  The listener withdraws, shuts down, and simply stops responding. This is frustrating for the speaker leaving them feeling unheard.

2. Defensiveness: Is typically a response to criticism. A person will aggressively defend and justify themselves to their partner. This is an attempt to look for excuses to play the innocent victim so that the partner will back off.

3. Criticism: Is an attack on the person's character or personality, and can leave one feeling attacked and threatened.

4. Contempt: Is to mock a person with sarcasm, sneering, name calling and eye rolling.  Contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over a person where they are made to feel despised and worthless. Contempt  is the most destructive of the “Four Horseman” and will destroy trust in the relationship the most quickly.

Be very aware of how you argue and watch out for any of these destructive and toxic patterns of conflict.  The win-win is to learn to do things in a way that you both feel heard and understood, even if your perspectives are different.  So how is this done? By using what Dr. Gottman calls a soft start up, it might just be a way of changing how you approach an argument, 

Use “I” instead of ‘You.” This is a less critical way of saying what you need to say, and makes the listener less defensive. For example: This is how I feel about ... a given situation, and what i need is … ( a positive need, not something that you do not need.)

Hear and respect your partner's perspective. Often in the heat of the moment emotions can very quickly “flood” or overwhelm a person causing shouting, name calling, crying, and anger.  When this happens things deteriorate very quickly often allowing the “Four Horsemen” into the conversation and by then, chances are neither of you are hearing each other anymore. In this situation don’t  be afraid to acknowledge heightened emotions, say you need to take a “time out”, and calm down. Take 20 minutes, come back and restart the conversation.

Be prepared  to compromise. Both partners need to be flexible so even if you don't agree you can acknowledge each other's perspective and work towards finding a solution. It is helpful for each of you to share what you need in this given situation and work on finding a way to at least get some of those needs met.

Above all ...remain polite and respectful, so use words like “please, I would appreciate it if…,  thank you. “ Recognise and say what you appreciate in your partner.

 I would like to encourage you to keep working on  your communication skills using these tips for better outcomes. Remember, you might not always get it right, but at least you did try something different.  Conflict is part of a natural and healthy relationship, and so it would do us well to approach potential conflict conversations as an opportunity to communicate better and to aim for a better outcome.

“Communication is to a relationship

What breathing is to maintaining life.” Virginia Satir

Valentines Day...come and gone

A new year and another Valentine’s Day has come and gone.  In my office over the last few weeks there were two groups of clients dealing with Valentine day scenarios. The one group have a love interest and were planning the romantic Valentines experience. The other group were contemplating a lonely, unromantic day because of a failed relationship, or just not being in a relationship at the moment. This has left them feeling in a state of limbo and lonely. The first group was all about being in love and planning for this “event”.  These clients were feeling connected to another and feeling all the positive feelings of loving another and in return being loved.

In the counselling of these couples I took the opportunity to encourage this group to think about love as something that you do everyday.  Not an all out big splash on one particular day. Of course you can do this as well but a relationship that lasts is one where attention is paid to everyday and multiple times everyday, where you work at showing you partner that they are loved.  This is where it is important that you know how your partner feels loved by you. In other words what is your partner's love language. (Gary Chapman; The 5 Love Languages.) Briefly these love languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Many couples experience the others love differently and when your “language” is not spoken to you it could leave you feeling unheard and unloved.  So to speak the language of love both partners need to talk the correct love language. So for example the way John feels and experiences love from his partner is when she uses his love language, eg Physical Touch. Jane in return feels loved by John when he uses her love language eg Quality Time.  In this way being aware of the difference in how we might experience love from our partner makes the couple mindful of looking for and creating opportunities of what Dr. John Gottman calls, sliding door moments, choosing to turn towards their partner. To turn towards implies doing" (a verb) love, which requires awareness, thought, effort and persistence.  These moments are bids for connection and affection. The rewards of getting into “doing” love, are a closer connection with your partner and a rewarding, loving and lasting relationship.

The second  group were not in a romantic relationship. There are many reasons why a person could be in this situation, but the one thing that was common for many, was the feeling of loneliness they were feeling. There are many paths to loneliness, and often times it can be a gradual change over time through circumstances, for example, a friend moves away, another has a child etc and so the social circle that you always had around you gradually shrinks. This is when you realise you are feeling lonely. Others become lonely more suddenly, for example when a partner dies, or you divorce etc.

So what to do?

As humans we have an innate need to connect with others. This gives purpose and meaning to life and a sense of belonging. Without connection, Dr.Brene Brown says, there is “suffering.” Suffering could be this feeling of loneliness and it can be excruciating for some. It makes a person self doubt and fearful of engaging with others and making those connections, the very thing one needs to do to feel more connected and therefore less lonely.  And so feeling fearful, uncertain and emotionally at risk, you have to dig deep and be brave and trust in yourself to connect with others. It means acknowledging and owning your vulnerability so that you can be seen and loved for who you are, how you think and what you feel. In other words, that “You are enough” (Dr. Brene Brown).  Many find the idea of “being enough” a difficult one, as it is often thought to imply perfection. As humans we need to acknowledge that none of us are perfect. Each person is unique with their own individual quirkinesses and imperfections. Rather it is about  learning to accept and like who we are, and accept what Chidera Eggerue calls the ”messiness of our uniqueness, and try to be the best mess we can be.” She says: ”It’s understanding that regardless of how i show up, I’m enough because I said so.”

 Love is one of the greatest experiences life has to offer. And it is something everyone should aspire to feel and enjoy.  So be brave, show up and be seen. Make connections by being mindful of those sliding door moments, the seemingly inconsequential everyday moments that create connection.

 Wherever you are with your relationships, perhaps the gift Valentines day gives us, is that this is just one day in a year of 365 days, and so there are 364 “un-valentine” days to do the small things everyday, that over time build a relationship into a connection of “trust and admiration of the other” (Dr. John Gottman).

Thoughts on Grief: When will it be enough?

January 2019

Over the years working as a counsellor, grief is an area of therapy that makes up a large component of my counselling practice. Grief is a word that is used interchangeably with bereavement, but grief is not exclusively about the physical death of a person. Grief and loss are to be found in so many different everyday experiences, like a person who is alive but is electively absent from your life, a breakup of a relationship, a divorce, loss of a dream, a pet, infertility, losing your job or the end of your career, loving someone who is self-destructive, an illness. The loss of a sense of security from hijacking, kidnapping, and burglary.  Grieving is the human response to traumatic life events that happen to us all the time. It is part of living our lives.

The question that so many of my clients bring to therapy is: When will it be enough?  When will I be done grieving? I can’t do this anymore? How much longer? When will the pain stop? My answer is, “I don’t know.”  I don't know because it is the clients unique, individual journey.  Grief doesn't fit neatly in a box. Some forms of grief take years to work through, other types take a few months, some take a single moment of deep acknowledgement.

The grief you're experiencing is yours, and you can carry it with you for as long as you like. You will let it go only when you feel ready, and if you don’t feel ready, then that’s okay.  Grief is painful, overwhelming,  emotionally and physically exhausting, messy, chaotic, and can feel like your heart is breaking.  It can however, offer a glimmer of something - perhaps insight into a deeper feeling of a truth about your life, of what is important to y0u and what you value. How much you wanted something, or how deeply you care about someone, and then being aware of how far you have come in this grieving, from where you once were. As Mark Nepo puts it, "The pain was necessary to know the truth, but we don't have to keep the pain alive to keep the truth alive."

All a therapist can do is walk alongside the person, in their pain, for however long it takes, and be there to support them when they stumble, and help them up again to continue this path.  And then, maybe ...You will know when you get “there,” because you will be available to try and experience life again. It might be that you are available to feel some happy moments, and that is okay.  When you have more happy moments than sad ones, and that is okay too.

What I know for sure, and what i can tell you, is that It will just be different to how it was before.  So if you are experiencing a life event that you are grieving, know that you will most likely return to a place that can maybe be called a “new normal” in time. The important word to emphasize is “new”.  New might mean, different, an adjustment. It might mean being able to choose to be mindful of the past, but open and available to life and moments of happiness in the here and now, today, one day at a time.  This quote by LR Knost is beautiful in how she describes life and what might be possible for the griever.

“Life is amazing. And then it's awful. And then it's amazing again. And in between the amazing and awful it's ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That's just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it's breathtakingly beautiful.”   -   L.R. Knost

To come back to the original question of “when will it be enough.” It might be that the griever just learns to roll with the “awful and amazing living heartbreak” of ordinary life. And each time you encounter and engage with that grief you realize this is how it is going to be - part of ordinary life. And in ordinary life there is room for other things.

I leave you with the thoughtful words of the great Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. It is perhaps fitting that she answers the question of: When will it be enough?

“The reality is that you will grieve forever.  You will not “get over” the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it.

You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered.  You will be whole again but you will never be the same.

 Nor should you be the same

nor would you want to.”

Thoughts on Grief

Sorrow makes us all children again—destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Specialising in grief and loss counselling has afforded me the opportunity to walk alongside many brave clients as they make their way along the journey of grieving. I say brave because grief is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting.  It can leave a person feeling scared, vulnerable and lonely. I feel humbled and honoured to be trusted to walk alongside these individuals as they share their journey of grieving.

Grief does not have to mean death.  It is a process a person might experience as they adjust to many different kinds of loss in life such as life transitions, the end of a relationship, a friendship, loss of a job and or status, a change in health status, loss of ideas, moving to a different province or country, loss of a sense of safety and security from crime, and death.

To try understand grieving a bit more there are many who have written on the subject.  Two of the most well read authors on the subject are Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (On Death and Dying) and J. William Worden (The Four Tasks of Grieving).  These two theorists offer some guidelines on what the grieving process might be like, for a person.    

Kubler-Ross developed a model identifying five stages of grief.  In response to a critical incident, a person will initially feel shock and thereafter may experience denial and isolation, anger, a period of bargaining, depression and then reach a place of acceptance. Acceptance might feel like an uncomfortable word and idea at first because it is often confused with thinking that all is okay. This is not so.  Most grieving people don’t think they will ever be okay. The past has been changed forever and the person has to re-adjust.  Finding acceptance might mean having more good days than bad days, and when you smile more than you cry. Not everyone will experience every stage, or even in a particular order, but rather a “rocking” backward and forward between these different emotions.

Worden offers the idea of working with tasks - he looks at the grieving process as a series of tasks which people must experience as they happen, and again in no particular order.

Task 1: To Accept the reality of the loss. Losses are difficult and denial is strong. People need to be helped to let go of denial so that they can deal with the loss they have encountered

Task 2: To Process the Pain of Grief.  People are encouraged to feel the pain rather than avoid it. This differs for each individual and the time frame involved varies. In a society uncomfortable with pain, and not talking about death, means that often the message coming from others is to grieve quickly and move on. However, grief work takes time.

Task 3: To Adjust to a World without the Deceased. Taking on the responsibilities that  a partner had done for years might seems insurmountable, but the person finds new ways to cope and learns new skills, so that they can manage the changing role.

Task 4: Find an Enduring Connection with the Deceased in the Midst of Embarking on a new life. This is about withdrawing emotional energy and reinvesting it in another relationship. People often initially resist this task because it seems like a betrayal. Gradually, as people work through this task they find that a new relationship does not replace the old one, it is just different.

An indication of successful mourning is when the griever is able to speak about the loss without the original intensity of emotion. Successful mourning implies working through grief - dealing with what is going on for you at that moment and this can be on many different levels. Getting to this space requires a person to work their way through their grief, rather than going around it. Going around it implies not facing the hard struggle of grieving by numbing or avoiding the pain.  This ultimately could hijack the grieving process which is not a healthy way of dealing with what a person has to come to terms with. 

The grieving process is a unique one that each person will experience differently.  It will take as long as it needs to take and a person cannot be told to move on, or snap out of it. Eventually the person may start to reach out to others and tentatively start living again. Your heart knows how you must grieve and will guide you.  As someone once said, “Grief never goes away; it just explodes less often.”

Death is a traumatic event that a person will be exposed to and have an experience of, several times over the course of a lifetime. The cold hard fact is that death is an inevitability for each of us. As Elizabeth Kubler-Ross says: “It is difficult to accept death in this society because it is unfamiliar. In spite of the fact that it happens all the time, we never see it.” The fear that surrounds death is that we do not know when it will come and in what form.

Death is a subject of conversation that is avoided as it is experienced by many as being too uncomfortable to talk about.  The best time to have these conversations i would argue, is when a person is fit and healthy and can really examine what they might like to happen when it is their time to face death. If death should happen unexpectedly, significant others should know the person's wishes. Spend time writing up a will with detailed instructions of exactly what your wishes are.

If you find yourself in a place where you are doing the difficult work of grieving, you do not need to feel alone. Therapy provides a safe and supportive place to work through what you need to, at your pace.  Don’t be afraid to reach out.

Quoting Elizabeth Kubler-Ross again,  “It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth - and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.”   

Thoughts on Gratitude

For some people, the end of 2016 came with overwhelming feelings of stress, anxiety and exhaustion brought on by the frenetic pace and worry of life. People were talking about a sense of being out of control and running on a never-ending treadmill of commitments. They spoke about feeling a lack of connection to special people in their lives, and a general lack of balance. This was having a negative impact on their well being.

To address these feelings, conversations about gratitude were included in counseling where appropriate. Clients were asked to find and embrace their "gratitude opportunities" in order to think about and practice the idea of being grateful.

What is a "Gratitude Opportunity?"

A gratitude opportunity can be as simple as appreciating the experience of that first cup of coffee in a favorite quiet and calm spot in the morning. It can become an opportunity to incorporate your five senses into that coffee experience:

1. Feeling the cup and the warmth in your hands
2. Smelling the delicious aroma of the coffee
3. Observing the design of the cup, or the swirly patterns in the foam
4. Tasting the coffee as you take your first sip
5. Listening to the sounds around you as you experience your coffee

The exercise is about being able to be grateful for that cup of coffee in that moment. The same sensory experience can be applied to other settings or opportunities. This exercise helps you to center and focus yourself so that you feel that you are able to take back control of that treadmill and decide on the pace you can travel at. So be on the lookout for your “gratitude opportunity” everyday.

Each of us has so much to be grateful for—we just need to give ourselves the opportunity to be grateful. Gratitude brings with it a special awareness that helps us to feel happiness. As Barry Neil Kayman said:

Gratitude is one of the sweet shortcuts to finding peace of mind and happiness inside. No matter what is going on outside of us, there is always something we could be grateful for.

Play Therapy

What is play therapy?

Play therapy is a creative process that links the subconscious and the conscious mind.  It is a visual form of telling a story that might be difficult to talk about.  Using play therapy materials such as games, toys, sand tray, clay, drawing, painting, puppets etc,  can provide the vehicle for the child's words in the language of play.

Play therapy can help children with issues such as:  Low self esteem, confidence, social difficulties, trauma, anger management, grief and loss (bereavement), bullying, parents divorcing, fears and worries and separation anxiety.

Play therapy using play dough

Who can benefit from play therapy?

I work with children from about 7 years of age. These same techniques can be adapted and applied to adolescents and with adults where they might be useful and therapeutic. 

Play therapy using a sand tray.