Valentines Day...come and gone
A new year and another Valentine’s Day has come and gone. In my office over the last few weeks there were two groups of clients dealing with Valentine day scenarios. The one group have a love interest and were planning the romantic Valentines experience. The other group were contemplating a lonely, unromantic day because of a failed relationship, or just not being in a relationship at the moment. This has left them feeling in a state of limbo and lonely. The first group was all about being in love and planning for this “event”. These clients were feeling connected to another and feeling all the positive feelings of loving another and in return being loved.
In the counselling of these couples I took the opportunity to encourage this group to think about love as something that you do everyday. Not an all out big splash on one particular day. Of course you can do this as well but a relationship that lasts is one where attention is paid to everyday and multiple times everyday, where you work at showing you partner that they are loved. This is where it is important that you know how your partner feels loved by you. In other words what is your partner's love language. (Gary Chapman; The 5 Love Languages.) Briefly these love languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Many couples experience the others love differently and when your “language” is not spoken to you it could leave you feeling unheard and unloved. So to speak the language of love both partners need to talk the correct love language. So for example the way John feels and experiences love from his partner is when she uses his love language, eg Physical Touch. Jane in return feels loved by John when he uses her love language eg Quality Time. In this way being aware of the difference in how we might experience love from our partner makes the couple mindful of looking for and creating opportunities of what Dr. John Gottman calls, sliding door moments, choosing to turn towards their partner. To turn towards implies doing" (a verb) love, which requires awareness, thought, effort and persistence. These moments are bids for connection and affection. The rewards of getting into “doing” love, are a closer connection with your partner and a rewarding, loving and lasting relationship.
The second group were not in a romantic relationship. There are many reasons why a person could be in this situation, but the one thing that was common for many, was the feeling of loneliness they were feeling. There are many paths to loneliness, and often times it can be a gradual change over time through circumstances, for example, a friend moves away, another has a child etc and so the social circle that you always had around you gradually shrinks. This is when you realise you are feeling lonely. Others become lonely more suddenly, for example when a partner dies, or you divorce etc.
So what to do?
As humans we have an innate need to connect with others. This gives purpose and meaning to life and a sense of belonging. Without connection, Dr.Brene Brown says, there is “suffering.” Suffering could be this feeling of loneliness and it can be excruciating for some. It makes a person self doubt and fearful of engaging with others and making those connections, the very thing one needs to do to feel more connected and therefore less lonely. And so feeling fearful, uncertain and emotionally at risk, you have to dig deep and be brave and trust in yourself to connect with others. It means acknowledging and owning your vulnerability so that you can be seen and loved for who you are, how you think and what you feel. In other words, that “You are enough” (Dr. Brene Brown). Many find the idea of “being enough” a difficult one, as it is often thought to imply perfection. As humans we need to acknowledge that none of us are perfect. Each person is unique with their own individual quirkinesses and imperfections. Rather it is about learning to accept and like who we are, and accept what Chidera Eggerue calls the ”messiness of our uniqueness, and try to be the best mess we can be.” She says: ”It’s understanding that regardless of how i show up, I’m enough because I said so.”
Love is one of the greatest experiences life has to offer. And it is something everyone should aspire to feel and enjoy. So be brave, show up and be seen. Make connections by being mindful of those sliding door moments, the seemingly inconsequential everyday moments that create connection.
Wherever you are with your relationships, perhaps the gift Valentines day gives us, is that this is just one day in a year of 365 days, and so there are 364 “un-valentine” days to do the small things everyday, that over time build a relationship into a connection of “trust and admiration of the other” (Dr. John Gottman).