Communication is key in relationships.
2020 - the start of a new year and a new decade. Many clients in my office this year are expressing a feeling of disconnection from the important people in their lives.
This is not a new thing to happen in our relationships. Over time, the excitement of the first date, going out, and getting to know one another, fades. Partners can start to take each other for granted. Life gets busy and before you realise it, you begin to feel that life is boring and routine and rather mundane. This is when this feeling of disconnect and of not feeling loved by your partner can creep in. Why has this happened, what’s wrong with us, and what can be done?
Well, the Beatles would say: “All You Need Is Love
All You Need Is Love
All You Need Is Love, Love
Love Is All You Need”
But is this enough? The research shows that it is definitely not enough. The feeling of love is potentially the starting point of a relationship and it can be the foundation that creates an enduring relationship. But, what else is needed?
Communication! Specifically, the kind of communication needed when conflict arises. Conflict is normal and natural in healthy relationships, but sadly many of us don’t know how to do conflict in a healthy way. The trick is learning the skill to communicate effectively and finding a resolution. This is achieved by looking for a win-win result where both partners are willing to compromise. It is engaging with the other in a flexible way so as to be able to listen to each others perspectives and acknowledge these. To do this, it is a good idea to think about how you communicate in the heat of the moment.
Destructive patterns of communication are described by Dr. John Gottman, as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”. This is a metaphor from the new testament referring to the end of times. Using these kinds of communications styles is extremely toxic, and according to the research done by Dr. Gottman, can predict the end of a relationship.
1. Stonewalling: The listener withdraws, shuts down, and simply stops responding. This is frustrating for the speaker leaving them feeling unheard.
2. Defensiveness: Is typically a response to criticism. A person will aggressively defend and justify themselves to their partner. This is an attempt to look for excuses to play the innocent victim so that the partner will back off.
3. Criticism: Is an attack on the person's character or personality, and can leave one feeling attacked and threatened.
4. Contempt: Is to mock a person with sarcasm, sneering, name calling and eye rolling. Contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over a person where they are made to feel despised and worthless. Contempt is the most destructive of the “Four Horseman” and will destroy trust in the relationship the most quickly.
Be very aware of how you argue and watch out for any of these destructive and toxic patterns of conflict. The win-win is to learn to do things in a way that you both feel heard and understood, even if your perspectives are different. So how is this done? By using what Dr. Gottman calls a soft start up, it might just be a way of changing how you approach an argument,
Use “I” instead of ‘You.” This is a less critical way of saying what you need to say, and makes the listener less defensive. For example: This is how I feel about ... a given situation, and what i need is … ( a positive need, not something that you do not need.)
Hear and respect your partner's perspective. Often in the heat of the moment emotions can very quickly “flood” or overwhelm a person causing shouting, name calling, crying, and anger. When this happens things deteriorate very quickly often allowing the “Four Horsemen” into the conversation and by then, chances are neither of you are hearing each other anymore. In this situation don’t be afraid to acknowledge heightened emotions, say you need to take a “time out”, and calm down. Take 20 minutes, come back and restart the conversation.
Be prepared to compromise. Both partners need to be flexible so even if you don't agree you can acknowledge each other's perspective and work towards finding a solution. It is helpful for each of you to share what you need in this given situation and work on finding a way to at least get some of those needs met.
Above all ...remain polite and respectful, so use words like “please, I would appreciate it if…, thank you. “ Recognise and say what you appreciate in your partner.
I would like to encourage you to keep working on your communication skills using these tips for better outcomes. Remember, you might not always get it right, but at least you did try something different. Conflict is part of a natural and healthy relationship, and so it would do us well to approach potential conflict conversations as an opportunity to communicate better and to aim for a better outcome.
“Communication is to a relationship
What breathing is to maintaining life.” Virginia Satir